Why I Love My Gay Boyfriend by Sabrina Zollo

Author:Sabrina Zollo [Zollo, Sabrina]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Central Avenue Publishing
Published: 2013-01-14T08:00:00+00:00

Chapter 13: Ruffian and Man Boobs

I had been having recurring nightmares of being caught ugly in Gisele – both awake and asleep. The night before my performance review I had a particularly intense nightmare.

I’m in a Marketing Review meeting and I have an answer for everything. I am so right that I am cocky. Chloe is there, among the designer suits and they are looking at me in horror. Chloe points at my face and I realize that they are not horrified at their lack of intellectual superiority to me but by my ugliness. I feel my face. The Lego-like acne on my face feels like it is growing. Chloe laughs but the designer suits start screaming and covering their eyes, blinded by my ugliness. They try to run out of the boardroom but they can’t find the door. Some lunge under the table in fear and others try desperately to pry the windows open. Oompa Loompa appears in his jester outfit. He jumps up on the boardroom table. Chloe joins him and they start dancing an odd jig, an ode to my ugliness. I see Caden among the chaos and try to call out to him to love me, please love me but I can’t speak because my teeth are falling out. The screams of horror reach deafening proportions.

I woke up wondering where my friends were in the nightmare.

I paid obsessive attention to my appearance that morning. If I was going to fail my performance review, at least I was going to look fabulous going down in flames. I chose a vibrant green dress, the colour of money.

I was distracted that morning, drinking my espresso, pretending it was my only one of the day.

“Green looks fa-bu on you,” Stevie gushed. “You should only wear jewel tones.”

“Thanks,” I said, my vacant expression as inflexible as Celeste’s Botox-ed face.

“What’s wrong?” Stevie asked. “You’re so boring this morning.”

“Sorry, I have my performance review with Savannah and I’m kinda nervous about it.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I have my performance review today, too. You’d be fired by now if they hated you.”

“You mean Savannah doesn’t hate me?” I was shocked.

“Well, she talks to you doesn’t she? And she knows your name. That’s a promising sign.”

“Not really. If she can identify me that’ll make it easier for her to fire me.”

“There’s nothing to be scared of. A performance review goes like this: you’re good at blah, blah, blah. You suck at blah, blah, blah. And then, you just spend the next year trying to suck less at what you suck at.”

“What about what you’re good at?” I asked.

“Oh, they don’t pay much attention to that. You would have been fired a long time ago if you weren’t actually good at something.”

Stevie’s little pep talk didn’t reassure me of my safety at Gisele. The only thing I was good at doing at Gisele was being Stevie’s straight girlfriend.

I could usually tell how well a meeting with Savannah would go by the behaviour of her head of snakes.

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